Wow, things changed in a hurry. I kept getting worse and worse on chemo #2, and I was too sick to go on chemo. We had talked to Dr. Moore over a year ago ago and told her that when the time came we were more interested in quality of life than quantity. So, all of a sudden, the drugs have stopped working, and instead they're making me sick. I don't want to end my life being sick. I'd rather be able to talk with my family and grandkids.

Just before the end of the year, Justin and Amanda got engaged, and they are planning to have their ceremony here in the back yard, in June. My Dr. says that's pushing the time for me to make it that long. Talk about the pressure. I really want to be here to join in the wedding, but I just might not, and I'm afraid the kids will be disappointed in me. At least I can be planning the yard decorating to get it ready. I hope that will make the kids happy. Last summer we dug a landscape pond, and used the dirt from the pond to make a mountain. Then, in the mountain we bought big rocks to build a waterfall/ river downstream, and the children have a wonderful time playing in the waterfall. Papa (Greg) built it for them. Before the wedding, we have to plant the rest of the plants all over the mountain. May Justin and Amanda have a perfect marriage together, even if I am not in the photographs with them.

The world turns, and it's not always pretty / Oyster casserole

When I decided to start writing a blog, I was determined that it wouldn't focus on my cancer, at least not in a way that emphasized the terminal nature of it. And so, in the last couple of months I've written fewer entries. There are two reasons for this: first, I've been sleeping well, and the time I tend to be thoughtful and want to write my thoughts are when I'm awake and alone in a dark house. The second is that the cancer has seemed to be mocking me, slapping me around a bit and singing "Nyah,yah,yah, yah, yah...."

I've been through one chemo since I decided to start treatment, and the cancer just laughed. That was Xeloda. In between I had radiation treatments for my superior vena cava syndrome, which, surprisingly, helped to bring down the swelling of the tissues. Now I'm on a new chemo, vinoralbene, and I have a port placed in my femoral vein - in my thigh, just below my panty line in the groin area. I'm kind of a novelty. They usually go in the chest, but that's what caused the svc syndrome.

I will start treatment #3 of Navelbine (tm) on Monday, but I don't have any clue that it's working. If it's not, then it's more waste of time and money, and more of a burden on the health care system.

It's gray outdoors, and the ten day forecast repeats the same day after day. Cleveland in winter, when the world changes from color to black and white. It's hard to be cheerful.

And now, we've learned that Greg's brother Joel has late stage gastric cancer, that his prognosis is dire. If there's some good to this I guess it's that he didn't have to be aware of the cancer filling up his belly and chest for the past year or more. He had no symptoms until about three weeks ago, and then was convinced he'd need his gall bladder out.

So now we've got a favorite relative unexpectedly facing death, and his family having to come to terms with it, and only a short time to prepare. His little girl is only eight years old, and his younger son is about twelve. How do you prepare them for the death of their parent, if you haven't taught them church dogma?

I've been trying to make my death part of the general conversation with the grandchildren, so that when it happens it will be expected. Annabelle said to her Mama that she hopes Grandmama Bunny doesn't die yet because there's lots of stuff she wants to do at my house still. Daelyn (eight) hugs and strokes me and tells me how sorry she is that I have cancer and it will make sick and die. I think that's amazing! At our Winter Solstice campfire Paige's wish was that I didn't die of cancer yet this year, because we have too much to do. Casey talks about it, but I haven't heard anything from Quin. I worry a little, that he may be worrying inside, and not talking about it. I don't know if they know anything about Joel's illness.

The question that has come up a few times is about where do you go when you die. I wish I could take them into the woods for a walk to look at dead trees and maybe see some dead animals. Because obviously, when a body dies it goes back into the ground, where you turn into dirt. Things that die and turn back into dirt make the plants grow better, because they can get good nutrition. But where did these materials come from in the first place? Iron, calcium, all the minerals that make our bodies came ultimately from beyond Planet Earth and were released into space in the process of a supernova. Star stuff, that's what we are, and to star stuff we will return. The memories that our loved ones hold of us, that's the part that we have some choice about, to make them good ones. We think that a lifetime is long, and significant enough that God would pay attention. But no, we're like butterflies that flutter for a day and believe that it's forever. (With thanks to Carl Sagan.)




OYSTER CASSEROLE

Whenever my brother and I argue about evolution, he brings up the fact that the oyster hasn't evolved in millions of years. Here's what you can do with an oyster!


1 quart oysters
2 or more sleeves of saltine crackers, or mix with Ritz
1 pint half and half, maybe a little more or add some milk or cream
Worcestershire sauce
Juice of a lemon
Stick of butter

1/2 red pepper, minced
1 bunch green onions, chopped fine
a handful of mushrooms, chopped fine
2 stalks of celery, minced

Preheat oven to 375. Crush all the crackers - I use a rolling pan on a clean countertop. In a saute pan, saute, all the veggies in about four tablespoons of butter, just to release some of the moisture. To the mixture in the pan, add the half and half and Worcestershire sauce, and let it come up to a simmer.

Butter a small casserole, and make a layer of crumbs on the bottom. Drain the oysters, save the juice. Use 1/3 of the oysters to make a layer over the crackers, cover with 1/3 of the veggie mix, and dot with butter, and squeeze a little lemon. Add crumbs, and make two more layers like this, then cover with a layer of crumbs. If it seems dry, pour a bit of cream, milk, or half and half over the mixture, and add any reserved oyster liquor. Use the rest of the butter to dot the top - it will help it to brown.

Put into the hot oven and bake for 30 minutes or less. Don't overcook the oysters!

For the young parents who must travel

Matthew, this poem by Mary Oliver arrived just a minute after I read your email this morning. It seemed especially a propos, with a new baby, and back on that horrific schedule that you and Larisa keep, as well as many, many others who manage to do a good job of making sure their children feel secure in their lifestyle.

You are a wonder. You do it so well.
Mama



Logan International

In the city called Wait,
also known as the airport,
you might think about your life --
there is not much else to do.
For one thing,
there is too much luggage,
and you're truly lugging it --
you and, it seems, everyone.

What is it, that you need so badly?
Think about this.

Earlier, in another city,
you're on the tarmac, a lost hour.
You're going to miss your connection, and you know it,
and you do.
You're headed for five hours of nothing.
And how long can you think about your own life?

What I did, to save myself,
was to look for children, the very young ones
who couldn't even know where they were going, or why.
Some of them were fussing, of course.
Many of them were beautifully Hispanic.

The storm was still busy outside, and snow falling
anywhere, any time, is a wonder.
But even more wonderful, and maybe the only thing
to put your own life in proportion,
were the babies, the little ones, hot and tired,
but still
gurgling, chuckling, as they looked --
wherever they were going, or not yet going,
in their weary parents' arms (no!
their lucky parents' arms) --
upon this broken world.

~ Mary Oliver ~


(Thirst)

Thanksgiving

This is not what you think.

I think of Thanksgiving as a mark in time when fall starts to seriously move toward winter. There are things to do to "close up" the outdoors and get ready for the world to change from color to black and white, and to live indoors.

Greg's really good at keeping up with things outside, but sometimes he needs me to help him remember what needs to be done. I should probably make a big check list and hang it in the garage, but I'll put it here because I know he'll read it! (Most of these are done, Greg's been busy.)

Rake leaves
Clean gutters
Drain and disconnect hoses
Drain water line to gurgler and to the garden and blow out with air pressure
Dig tender plants and bring them into sunroom
Bring in the houseplants
Get the gurgler in the sunroom working, and bring the goldfish inside
Clean up the flower beds
Change the vents from a/c mode (open upstairs) to heat mode (close upstairs)
Move the Fiat
Winterize the small engines, fuel stabilizer, etc.
Change the furnace filter
Put mouse poison around in the basement
Take screens off windows and store in crawl space

I guess this really means I'm a micromanager, huh?

Justice / Pad Thai

Why do people torment themselves looking for justice in the world? In this cancer game, you hear it all the time "What did she do to deserve this?" or "It's not fair!" Of course it's not fair. If the world were fair, there would be no starvation in third world countries, babies wouldn't have to live lifetimes of disability because of birth trauma, farmers wouldn't lose their crop and go into bankruptcy because of bad weather....you get the picture.

But we humans, in our need to explain the cruelty of nature, have come up with all sorts of reasons that bad things happen. Really, think about it. How many times have you heard, "Everything happens for a reason." Or from the religious, it's attributed to God's master plan, which we, with our lowly human idiocy, can't comprehend in its complexity. These folks come on strong, but their logic is circular. It's part of God's plan, we can't understand, we should pray for healing, etc. But what I don't understand is that if God has a master plan, then isn't it egotistical for us to think that our prayers will make him change his mind? Wouldn't that be an insult to God, like suggesting that he made a mistake and should change his plan? Especially since we've already admitted that his plan is too complex for us to understand?

In cultures and religions that believe in multiple lives, justice reaches across lifetimes. If you are bad in one lifetime, you will be born next time with fewer prospects, uglier, poorer, or some such. I spend a fair amount of time on the online breast cancer discussion forum, and when women are emotionally distraught, and anonymous, they express a lot of their innermost feelings that they might hold inside in a face to face conversation with someone they know. Often a bc patient will come on line desperate to find an answer to WHY ME? Sometimes they go through a litany of all the things they did right (I ate right, I breastfed my kids, I exercised, I didn't smoke). It sounds like a kid trying to weasel his way out of a punishment because he doesn't think he deserves it, it's too harsh. Other women wonder if God is punishing them for something they did as a child, or for not being a good enough wife or mother, sometimes even naming the "crime" they have felt guilty about for all these years.

Randomness is scary. If we can name the reason something bad happened to someone, then we can assure ourselves that it won't happen to us. Remember after Hurricane Katrina when John Hagee said that the storm was God's punishment because a big gay rally was to have been held on that Monday? How anyone can link in their minds cause and effect on a scale that grand is beyond me, but this "reasoning" was not only logical to many, but reassuring.

I think "Why me?" is the wrong question. A better one is "Why NOT me?" A toss of the dice, that's all. There is no blame for your body succumbing to disease - that's what bodies do in Nature. Time goes by, bodies give out. In the meantime, babies are being born to take their places. Sure, there are healthy practices that probably make a difference in your susceptibility to certain diseases, and you'll certainly feel better if you live a healthy lifestyle. But disease, injury, and death have nothing to do with justice or fairness. Imagine walking through the woods and there's a tall, majestic oak that has been hit by lightning, badly injured, probably will die. Do you think, "It's not fair for that oak to be hit when that hemlock didn't"? No, you likely pause and think, "Too bad that oak got hit by lightning. It was a beautiful tree and I will miss it."




Pad Thai

Imagine that you are a common person of Thailand, what would you make for a quick and easy supper at the end of a hard day? Something gourmet, with a lot of specialty ingredients? Not likely. Maybe you'd look into the fridge and see a bit of this, a bit of that, some leftover noodles, some tofu, some eggs. Certainly fresh vegetables and bean sprouts, lime and cilantro, peanuts.... things that are part of the daily Thai diet. Pad thai seems difficult because some of the ingredients are not familiar, and may be hard to find. But it's basically pasta with a sauce and bits of protein and veggies in it. Quantities aren't fixed, use what you have on hand. This is a casual supper, don't overthink it!

If you are from my area, you can get lots of the Thai foods from Marc's. They sell Roland brand foods, and have different sorts of ethnic foods. Mostly they display them on the endcaps of the aisles. Their rice noodles are perfect. However, I've never seen tamarind paste there. In North Olmsted there's an oriental grocery on Brookpark Road Extension, Kims Grocery. They have everything there. www.kimsgrocery.net




8 ounces thai flat rice noodles - soak in hot water until softened, about 20 minutes,
or leftover in the fridge. If you're in a hurry,
you can boil them for about a minute, but they'll
tend to get mushy later.

tamarind paste 1/4 cup or so
fish sauce 2 tablespoons
limes, juiced 2 to make about 1/4 cup of juice
brown sugar 2 tablespoons - you may like it a bit sweeter, if so, add more

This is the sauce. The tamarind paste may be only available from an Oriental market. I keep it on hand. It's about the texture of a loose fruit puree, and tastes very tart. It's used as a background flavor in Worcesterchire sauce, by the way. There's really no flavor substitute, sorry. Mix all this together.

Now, some protein. There are a couple of ways to do this. One way is to cook the proteins separately, pull them out and then add back in at the end. This keeps everything in distinct pieces, but is a lot more trouble. When I'm in a hurry, I do it all in one big stirfry.

Tofu, extra firm, cut into squares or small chunks. I like to presalt it for flavor.
Use whatever you want, depending on the other proteins. For vegetarian, use the whole block if you want. Otherwise, about half of the block.
Chicken cut into little strips (boneless thighs or breasts) 1/4 to 1/2 pound
shrimp, peeled and deveined, 1/4 to 1/2 pound
two eggs, beaten
Two cloves of garlic, chopped fine

Veggies:
Fresh bean sprouts, you'll need at least two cups, but you can use to your own taste.
Green onions, a bunch. Cut into pieces about an inch, and save some of the green tops to garnish.
Peanuts, I crush them with a rolling pin. You'll need a few tablespoons for garnish.
You will use part of the beansprouts and onions in cooking and the rest as garnish.

OK. That's all you need to call it pad thai. In my opinion, though, pad thai is a plate of flavored noodles begging for color. So, for garnish I use lots of chopped cilantro, red bell pepper cut into slivers, red onion cut into slivers, sometimes mango chutney, roasted red pepper paste (yum) and sambal oolek or rooster sauce (oriental chili sauce).

So, here we go. Everything is ready and at hand. Not much cooking, mostly stirfry to heat and assimilate.

Heat 1/4 cup of oil in a wok or a big frying pan.
Add chicken and garlic.
Add tofu.
Add shrimp. Stir till it's hot and shrimp are starting to turn pink.
Add eggs. Stir fry.

If pan seems dry, add a splash of oil.
Add noodles and sauce. Stir to combine all. The noodles will easily get overcooked, so be careful and don't let it happen. Add a big handful of beansprouts and a handful of green onions.

You're done.

To serve, pile the stir-fried noodles on a plate, and garnish with toppings, ending with peanuts. Serve with fish sauce, wedges of lime to squeeze, rooster sauce, etc.

Brain is good!

Today I had a followup MRI after Gamma Knife last month. I was expecting some bad news, because when they did the high resolution MRI before the treatment, they found four more tumors, so treated five total. Dr. Vogelbaum said then, that it was probably time to start thinking about whole brain radiation.

So, today, I was expecting to hear that more little ones had sprouted up. I always think of the cancer as being a weedy garden that looks clean but has dandelion seeds just waiting to sprout. I was at the Clinic, in the super-duper high power machine. But it was all clear! "We'll check you again in February." So, that's one area I can not think about for a few months. We'll get onto chemo probably the week after Thanksgiving. Pulling weeds.....

Childrearing, randon thoughts

I wanted to talk about children, but every time I start to think about my own, it feels like saying anything is boastful, and maybe unlucky. Even though I don't believe in luck.

Truly, my children are wonderful. They have grown into four responsible men with great wives and kids (Justin's not married but the older three are) and I wish I could know what we did to get them to turn out so well, because it doesn't always happen that way.

So it's hard to try to analyze what makes a normal kid grow up to be an exceptional adult. I think that having high expectations is right up at the top of the list. I believe that it is an honor to our children for us (parents) to expect the best of them. I would never expect my children to put in a mediocre performance, I think too highly of them for that. On the other hand, if you demand a level of performance that he simply cannot achieve -- you expect so much that your child has no chance of success, and then if you browbeat, humiliate, or ridicule them, you have a child who expects every day to fail, who meets every morning with not a sense of joy and curiosity, but of impending doom.

Let him take chances, but let him be assured you've got his back. With media always looking for a story, you'd think there was a predator on every block. Normal families in regular neighborhoods don't make news, and we don't hear about them. There has been a steady downward trend in rape and murder per 100,000 people, since 1992, but because of the mass hysteria created by the media, we can't believe that's true, and would never let our children out of our sight, even when they're older. Teach your children safe behavior, but try not to make them paranoid. Teach them to make calm decisions, but not to fear every stranger. Most strangers are good and kind people who have your children's safety high on their priority list.

Make sure that your children know that even though you love them to death, and are astounded at their excellence, that they are still ordinary. They can't expect reward without work, the world owes them nothing more than anyone else, which is zero. They are responsible when they make a mistake or do something stupid. They must make amends or fix things if they screw up, and not expect to be excused because of their coolness.

Teach them to respect and talk to old people. There is nothing that cheers an old person like a child that will chat with them. Teach them to be kind to animals. Teach them to walk gently on the earth, to pick up litter they didn't drop, and to put the wayward grocery carts in the carrel. Dads, don't allow them to speak to their mother with disrespect. Moms, likewise.

Don't think you have to entertain them. Let them hang out with you, and do the things you are doing. You are the role model here. It's the time to show that you are patient with your work, that you treat your coworkers fairly, that you take the time to do an excellent job.